Caveat before reading - this blog post may be triggering if you have experienced or are experiencing intrusive thoughts. My aim from this post is to provide support and create awareness. Should you find it triggering or difficult to read but would like some further support, please scroll to the end of the post where I’ve linked some support networks. This is a post from my personal experience, and I am absolutely no expert in this area. But I hope someone may find this post helpful.
Intrusive thoughts… By google definition “unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images or unpleasant ideas that may become an obsession”. I hadn’t really experienced this much in my career, from what women had previously disclosed, so didn’t really understand the impact of them. That was until I experienced them myself postnatally.
This post will probably come as a bit of a surprise to most of my family and friends, it’s not something I’ve spoken to many people about… So apologies in advance family and friends!
Why outpour it online and on social media you might wonder? Since I’ve been working independently and had the time and space to discuss topics in depth with my clients, it’s a subject I feel much more comfortable in discussing. I try not to bring my own experiences into my work too much, unless clients ask, but this is something I can relate to and share my experience in if needed. When I was working in the NHS, seeing families in 30-minute slots, I never felt I could discuss mental health concerns such as intrusive thoughts in great detail. Of course, I would ask about mental health and how the family were coping, but to delve into such a sensitive topic, without the time to fully discuss the ins and outs… It felt impossible.
I first remember intrusive thoughts occurring early in my postnatal period with my daughter, but didn’t think much of them. These were simple “what if I fall down the stairs with you in my arms” thoughts, which I’m sure most new parents can relate to on some sort of level. However intrusive thoughts can be very distressing and are often not disclosed by women due to worry and fear of what others/professionals will think.
I can pinpoint when things felt a bit more difficult in my experience. I remember I was bridesmaid for one of my best friends when Ayda was around 6 months old and we were staying in a beautiful two storey barn. (Here's me having my hair and make up done, and surprise surprise Ayda the boob-monster was again attached to me!!)
I remember walking outside with her in my arms and thinking “what if I trip over and throw you over the edge of the balcony by accident?”. Even when typing this out now I can feel a tightness in my chest and a feeling of dread, but I know now this was just an irrational thought that I would never have acted upon. It was always a “what if”, accompanied with a hyper-vigilance of trying to keep her safe at all times. I wonder sometimes if this relates back to my birth experience and the difficulty to “keep her safe” whilst we were in the hospital with such a heavy medical input.
The thoughts spiralled from this point and carried on for several months. You wouldn’t have known, no one really knew. I managed to hide things well! I can’t really tell you when they stopped, but thankfully they did. The one thing I really wished at the time I had done was speak to someone about it, as things would probably have eased a lot quicker. I didn’t even confide in my husband until I was several months into experiencing these thoughts, because I was convinced people would tell me I was going crazy. I was petrified of telling any professionals, because I didn’t want my ability to parent my daughter to be questioned. In my rational, professional head I knew this was ridiculous, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that speaking out would put myself at risk.
What I’m trying to say, is that if you’re struggling, please reach out. Whether that is to your partner, a friend, a healthcare professional… Whoever you feel like you can confide in. Things feel so much easier once you have shared them. I found just saying the thought out loud helped me to rationalise what I was feeling and accept the thought for what it was. I found coping mechanisms that worked for me, which mostly came in the form of me noticing the thought, accepting it for what it was and then continuing on with my day.
Ask your new mum friends/family how they’re doing. Check in with them, offer a listening ear. They may not tell you the whole truth, but to know you’re there will mean the world to them and may make them more likely to open up to you in the future.
Please speak to your midwife, GP or health visitor for your local mental health support in pregnancy and postnatally, as these will differ in every location.
Some online resources for support are below:
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