I went to my 6am gym class this morning and left feeling happy, energised and ready for a busy week ahead. (Yes I know, 6am gym class… I’m continually shocking myself at the moment, but we’ll see how long it lasts!)
I was brought back down to earth with a bump as I saw the headlines on the news “30,000 women a year experience birth trauma in the UK and 1:20 of these experience PTSD”. I knew this report was coming, and its nothing that I should be “shocked” by, but it still hit heavy.
I’ve read a couple of articles and listened to a radio piece on it, and that’s as far as I’ve got. I’ve not yet read the report, and not sure when I will read it. I have to protect my energy and space as a birth worker, and protecting myself means I’m protecting my clients.
I wanted to speak on my Instagram stories and express my thoughts or put it in a concise post. But I couldn’t find the words to do so. So, I thought I would write a blog post. I find writing cathartic and whether this is read back by just myself or read by others, I hope it may bring me some relief of the heaviness that I have felt for most of the day today.
Over 1,300 submissions of birth trauma stories were received, but I can only imagine the number of these would have been much higher should others have felt they could have had the strength to do so. I was one of those who couldn’t.
I couldn’t find it in me to write down my experience and re-live the details of the birth of my daughter. She was born two and a half years ago and I still find myself thinking about the “what if’s” surrounding her birth on a regular basis. Not as frequently as I used to, but still more often than I should. At one time I would obsess over the small details and think about the things that individuals said to me. I would analyse my decisions and whether I could have changed anything. In reality – no I couldn’t have done.
In a strange way, I’ve come to be thankful for most parts of my birth experience with daughter. Ultimately, it has played a huge part in my decision making to become an Independent Midwife and to support women and families in the way that I do now. It has also led me to make some strong decisions about my pregnancy and birth should we decide to/be lucky enough to extend our family in the future.
What also saddens me and fills me with the heaviness feeling, is that once again our midwifery profession is being dragged through the media in such a negative light. Time and time again, we see reports saying “midwives must do better” “we need more staff” etc etc. We all know midwives are burnt out, fed up and leaving the profession in droves. This has been the focus of most reports and the topic of most conversations since I started my training 11 years ago. Yet I’ve never seen any change.
I feel so sad for our newly qualified midwives who have a lack of experienced midwives to support them. I feel for our labour ward coordinators having to organise high-risk wards (with a high percentage of these high risk cases sadly coming from un-necessary interventions) with minimal staffing. I feel for the management who are caught in a constant loop of staffing, meetings, and critiques of “not hitting targets”.
I don’t know the answer, and think we are very far off ever having a reasonable solution which will “fix” this predicament. I count my blessings that I can work as an Independent Midwife and live out my “midwifery dream”, caring for families the way that I want, and in the way that I feel every family should be cared for. I spent this afternoon with one of my gorgeous couples that I am currently so grateful to be supporting, and the heaviness lifted. I felt the buzz again for the work that I love so bloody much!
However, I do continually feel a guilt that not everyone receives this level of care and appreciate that I am extremely lucky to work in this way. But for me it was to go independent, or leave midwifery, and the latter is not an option. This is the happiest I have ever felt as a midwife and I thank my clients for this.
The only thing I can urge parents to do is to advocate for themselves as much as possible, because there isn’t going to be a quick solution to this anytime soon. Seek out support in your pregnancy. Whether that be joining a free online antenatal class, attending a local homebirth group (even if you’re not planning a homebirth, just go and soak up some information!!), or book a one-off session with a doula or a midwife for some further support if you are able to do so. There is a wealth of information out there, and it is now more important than ever for you to take your pregnancy and birth into your own hands and seek the support that is right for you.
And if you do find yourself struggling after a traumatic birth, whether this be now, in the future or a birth that happened 10 years ago… I ask you to reach out to those in your support network. Whether that be friends, professionals, trauma therapists. There is support out there and things often feel much lighter once you speak about them.
Sending so much love to anyone impacted by this report release, and my inbox is open as always for support.
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